Benjamin (2/3)

“There were times when I didn’t want to be myself anymore”

Naturally, bad times can’t last forever. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. The sun will always come out after the storm. I was in my late teenage years, almost eighteen, had just finished high school, and was now becoming a young man.

I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t like the person looking back at me. I was mentally, and due to my diet, physically unhealthy. I was terribly unhappy, and I was overweight. There were times when I didn’t want to be myself anymore.

I knew there was no miracle cure, no pill could make me feel better about myself, or change what I saw when I looked in the mirror. So instead of going down the road of anti-depressants I began to look into my health and started with my diet.

I knew deep down I wasn’t born to be sick, unhealthy, or unhappy. I was born to live and enjoy my life. I was born to love, to be loved, and to give love. I was born to be free, but most of all I was born to be happy, happy to be Me!!
I can remember thinking no doctor could fix me. The only person capable of “fixing” me was myself. I began to focus on my health, and my happiness. Looking back now I’m sure there was someone out there who could have helped me on my way but instead I began helping myself with plenty of exercise, eating healthy and nutritious wholefoods, and focusing on my mental state of mind.

I began to take a more spiritual path in life. I always believed in magic, now was the time to call upon whatever power there was in the universe to help guide me in the right direction. I was never very interested in religion, being born into the catholic belief system and learning about how I was a sinner for being a homosexual turned me off the church from a very early age.

I grew up in a time when being gay was still considered a sin and unfortunately people were still intolerant and unaccepting of people like me for quite some years to come. I never once stopped believing in God, however my idea of God/Source/Higher Power, whoever or whatever it may be changed, and I felt I should not judged for being myself.

I started focusing my energy on experiences that would enhance my happiness. My family, my friendships, my hobbies, such as traveling and meeting new people, dancing and having fun, and eventually I returned to nature.

I couldn’t be any higher on life and closer to the boy I once was. That young boy who would love to hang out in the garden with his grandmother, smelling the roses and learning about life in a more natural world.

I remember a few years back I began to lose myself again. I went through several heartbreaking relationships in search of completion. I felt as though I was missing something. Every time I found a new partner I would end up worse than I was when it began. I started drinking excessive amounts of alcohol to blind myself from my reality. I was yet to learn the biggest lesson of my life, the one I urge everyone to learn sooner rather than later.

But then again I guess everything happens for a reason and at the right time it will all fall into place. I put my trust in the universe. I began to trust myself and I was forced to look passed all the flaws that I had created in my head, and focus deeply on my soul, and the boy that still lives deep within me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *