Doubts, the enemy of anticipation

6 more days in 19 degree warm Lisbon until I move on. No “half day working, half day writing/researching/exploring” anymore. Instantly I ask myself if I am really ready yet to get back to a stressful work life and extremely slow down my writing projects.

I begin to have doubts if I made the right decision. Somewhere in the back of my head a tiny voice whispers Didn’t you learn from your mistakes?

 

Afraid to have made the wrong decision

 

Did you choose the right place to live?

If I think back of mistakes I have made in the last two years I remember right away my plan to move to a country where I have never been before (read more about my Ireland experience here)

 

Did I learn from that? Yes.

That’s why I travelled through Europe in the last couple of months

to get an impression of different places.

 

After being in Ireland I didn’t know where to go to in Germany and I decided to move to Kiel. For two reasons: To spend more time with my sister and her family and because the city is (almost) by the sea.

 

Did you really choose the right job?

It was a bad decision to take a job in Kiel for financial reasons. A job that I have been warned about. Absolutely wrong decision (more about that here). I wouldn’t do that again.

 

Listen to your guts

I have always said, I wouldn’t move to Kiel because I didn’t like it. I still did and got the bill for that.

In Sweden I was reminded to listen to my guts. I planned to follow my intuition more often.

 

And now I’ moving to a place my guts is advising me to not do so

and I’m asking myself why am I not learning from my mistakes?

 

Because Zürich is not Kiel. Zürich is nice. And offers the circumstances I need to realize my long-term goals.

Didn’t you learn from your mistakes? the voice asks me again. Yes, I did. If I don’t like it in Switzerland, I will move and won’t suffer for one and a half years.

 

Bureaucratic insanity. Do you really want that?

I already made the first bureaucratic steps to move to Switzerland and I already failed. Some things like registering in the city before my first day of work and having to show a tenant agreement although I don’t have an apartment yet…sounds complicated? It is.

It reminds me of my attempt to immigrate to Canada which left a deep wound (Read more about that here). It was a bumpy road. Do I really want to do that again?

Switzerland is not Canada!

 

Crazy how negative experiences can influence a situation.

I hear the tiny voice in the back of my head and I shut it down.

There is no point to continuously doubt.

 

Zürich is not Kiel. And Switzerland is not Ireland or Canada.

 

Do your duty vs. follow your passion

I go back into the system, register at every possible office, work and implement (again) the ideas of others.

Incredible, how socialization and education shape you. Was I able to completely enjoy the last couple of months? No, not really. I often had the feeling that I have to do more. Had the feeling, not being allowed to act out of the system for too long.

But as long as I haven’t figured out a detailed plan how I will implement my professional ideas, I will have to create a basis for that. And that means: Being employed, fulfill my duty and follow my passion #1 and #3 in my free time.

 

Passion # 1: Writing

In the last couple of weeks my writing flow was really good. So it’s a bit annoying that I soon won’t have the freedom anymore like I have now.

 

Of course I’m asking myself: Should I have finished my book project first?

 

From experience I know that after a nine hour shift in a daycare I won’t have the energy and concentration in the evening for writing. Little consolation? I have one day off per week. But it was also like that in Kiel and how did that work out? I ended up spending my day off with looking for other jobs.

 

Passion # 2: Pedagogy

I love my profession and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I love working with people, especially with kids. I’m a big idealist and believe that little impulses and tiny steps can change the world.

 

Passion # 3: Travelling

Now, at the end of my journey I’m thinking: Actually, I really like not to be in one place all year round and work somewhere else. So how do I include that into my other two passions?

 

Living a nomad’s life? Why not? Nomad’s life doesn’t mean to be in a different place every month.

 

Conclusion

I already had this thought before, but now, after travelling for a few months again, my “life model B” seems to me more and more attractive.

What’s „life model B“? Four to five months (spring till summer) project work at place X, then do research, travel and write fort wo months (summer), after that three more months project work at place X (fall till early winter) and one tot wo months (winter) on the other side of the world.

 

And „life model A“? Work self-employed and implement my own ideas.

It’s incredible, but my life will result (again) in “life model C”: Earning money and doing my duty.

 

Didn’t you learn from your mistakes? You already wanted to get out of life model C in 2016!

But then I decided to do two further education courses (creative writing and wilderness pedagogy), travel and invest my money in that. Important steps that help me with my plans. Because not only money was important for that but also knowledge.

 

I will have to extend some knowledge and skills, especially in wilderness pedagogy, and therefore Switzerland seems to be a wonderful place.

And even when there are some thoughts tarnish my anticipation, I know that the morning mist will brighten up and the sun will shine again.

 

 

 

 

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